The Decision That Ended A Life

Trust me, I've gone back and forth about writing this post a million times... Over and over again in my mind, whether or not it's the right thing to do. But then I realized it's not about what's right for me, it's about what's right for you, you who are reading this now. You might need this. To know that you are forgiven if you'll just ask for it. To know that Christ gives us strength in our weaknesses, no matter what they are. Or you might need to read this so that you will be able to forgive someone kind of like me.

I do want to make it clear though, despite my youthful actions, I absolutely do not stand for abortion. I pray God will have mercy on those who do. 

I know the repercussions of writing something like this. It's very controversial, and a very intense and touchy subject. Especially now. I know a lot of you will judge me. I know I'll be called a hypocrite or worse. I know women who have been through the same situation and are content with their choice, will criticize me.

However, aside from all the possible backlash, this is MINE. This is my story and my choice to write it out for you. No one can take it away from me. No one can change it.

I know God has forgiven me, and I have finally forgiven myself and repented and will never turn back. This is not me trying to reopen old wounds, this is me telling you that there is hope in The Lord. There is hope that you will be able to lift up your head again. To let the innocence of the lamb that was slain for us, lead you to the boldness of the lion again.

You do not have to stay hidden or silent about your beliefs because of your past.

I want to give you some Bible verses to keep in mind while pushing through this with me:

“This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” -Romans 3:22-24

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.” -1 John 1:8-10

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This young woman got very lost in the world. On one of my very first nights of being in college and having an apartment with my roommate, we went to a party. It was right before my 19th birthday, almost 7 years ago. There was alcohol. So much so it's kind of a blur to me. I think you get the picture though. I was in a new town ready for a fresh start... and I ended up pregnant. I didn't have anyone to reel me back in. My mind wasn't set on Christ at the time, though I've always believed in God. But I didn't have anything that I really stood for. There were no lines. I got so angry after I found out. I always thought God had big plans for my life. I felt it deep down in my soul that I had been called for something great, but this, this was not what I expected. So out of anger about the whole situation, I acted unacceptably. I was mad, scared, sad and alone. Disappointed in myself. But mostly I let anger take over my mind. It was sort of a numbing effect to everything going on. I ended up making the worst decision of my entire life, to have an abortion.

There will be women who tell you they are content with their choice to do this, I don't buy it. They are hiding behind a delusional society who is telling them they are free to choose and that it will all be okay. That's the biggest lie. Let me tell you something, you will never be the same. We are all free to choose whether or not we murder someone, but we'll end up behind bars.

I knew in the back of my mind like we all do, it was wrong. I knew I should be punished. Punished with labor pains like Eve when she sinned. Punished with the pain of having to see what I had done, life that I chose to rip away. It was wrong. That wasn't my choice to make. I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life.

After I had Levi it hit me hard. I thought I had forgiven myself but I hadn't yet. It got harder for me to hold on to the pain. I would often find myself looking at Levi in awe and thinking, "What have I done?" 

But that's not who I am anymore. It doesn't have to consume you.
Jesus can heal you.
I once was lost but I've been found. 

This time it's a lot different though. More intimate, this is why I was created, to have a real relationship with Jesus. I never understood that until I came back to Him.

He leaves the ninety-nine to go after the one. And even though I acted out of His will, He still chooses to use me.
I am wired for battle, I am built for war.
And so are you.

This is not our decision to make. It is so wrong to choose whether or not we want ourselves or others to be able to end a life. Jesus doesn't preach that. Jesus died so that everyone could have life. There is no lukewarm, God says He will spit you out of His mouth; there is no one foot in and one foot out.

I know some will say they feel differently, have different beliefs, and try to throw a bunch of different scenarios out there, and I know I may fall under attack.
But just know that I've been there, I knew the whole time it felt wrong. Nothing about taking a life is right. I know some will think this is unorthodox and I shouldn't talk about it, but telling my story is worth it even if only one soul is touched by this. Even if only one woman feels comfort in knowing she's still loved and encouraged to become a child of God.
That's why I chose to write this. 
Because Jesus is saying to you, "You are forgiven."
Jesus is saying for you to, "Forgive because I forgave you." 

"Come back to me and follow my commands."


With Love,
Victoria V.



*Because this is such a controversial and personal subject, I won't be letting anyone post any comments on here or Facebook. Please just message me on Facebook if you feel you want to talk about anything. And please be kind with your words.