High School & Second Chances

So I've gone through countless numbers of tissues and musinex pills and soft foods, even some theraflu... and I'm out of energy. Sinus infections are absolutely going to be the death of me, but I'm going to power through this.

So this is the post I've been kind of putting off do to dread... But I know there have been a few people who've asked the question about how I survived the high school humiliation. The truth is, I didn't. I don't think any of us really get over those experiences we just can't forget, it will always be there in the back of our minds. If you're reading this and you don't know what I mean, I'll fill you in. I'm going to get really raw and vulnerable with you tonight, so bear with me. My high school wasn't like one of those huge ones where you'll never know all the kids in your class, it was tiny. Really small. You knew everybody in each grade. So with that in mind, I made some very dark, poor decisions back then. And of course it's never long until the whole school knows about your personal life in a day. Basically every humiliating situation you could imagine being in at school, I was that girl. Numerous times. So there's that...

Although now it feels like a bad dream, I really don't know who that person was. If there was a real life humanity switch, I think mine was turned off. The second my mom decided to leave our family and move away when I was 11, that's when it all changed for me. I became a completely different person. I was ripped away from my big sisters, my home, my (what I thought was) beautiful life. I know it sounds selfish, but to this day I can still feel the pain of a piece of my heart breaking from that 3 hour drive away. 

I had no coping skills I guess and I was completely alone to figure everything out. Needless to say I did it all wrong. I cried myself to sleep a lot at first. And then I was just numb to everything. People would ask me questions and I would lie, though to me it wasn't a lie. This became the only thrill in my life, and I used it like a real drug. At 12, 13 years old I already had demons. It really happens. When I figured out I could sing, it changed my perspective a little. I started going to church to sing and I felt like I had the angel and the devil always on my shoulders. I was torn between two lives. I lived both. There were numerous times I thought about ending my life. Mostly when the lies would be unraveling. Like you have no more drugs and you're out of money. You'll do anything to make the urge stop.

It wasn't until my Nanny passed away that I really let go of the darkness and the drug. Finally that part of me that was so lost and worn down by torment of nothing but lies, was dead. I had nothing left and one my of best friends was gone. My Nanny was my rock. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could've drove to her house and just crawled in her bed and watched movies with her and eat cinnamon toast. In a way, she changed my life. I needed to leave that town and those people and get out and start over, clean and fresh, away from the darkness. I still had problems and some way bigger than others but no more drug. I lived the college experience. New life, new friends, and in a way I was finally finding who I was meant to be. 

And when I met Matthew my life changed. I knew I wanted to be his wife. But when I came back to God my whole world changed, and I knew I was never going back to the person I was in high school. And when I had Levi my heart changed and my eyes were opened to nothing but love. I cannot ever be that person again. Ever. I was always meant to be who I am today. A woman of God, Matthews wife, and Levi's mommy. And that's why God never let me take my life, and always carried me, no matter what stupid things I decided to do. I feel like God gave me a second chance at life, to do things the right way.

People can change, but they have to want it. I was a horrible teenager. But I'm a wonderful adult, wife, and mommy. I encourage you to always know what's going on in your kids lives, talk to them, have family dinners. Children desperately need stability, communication, and to feel love. When they are cut off from that, they become desperate for anything. To feel anything, good or bad.

This is why I felt like I needed to tell you this. For the children struggling with a mental drug or real drugs. In the end, it will tear you down all the same if you don't fix it. My parents had no clue what I became when we moved, they didn't know I had a problem. We never talked about it. So please talk to your children, let them tell you the problems they are facing in their lives. And take them to church. I absolutely could not help myself. God did that. God changed me from the inside out, and I will never go back.

"Truly I tell you," he continued, "no prophet is accepted in his hometown." -Luke 4:24

50 Shades of Satan

This has been circulating for quite some time and I'm sure all the blogs out there have something to say about it. I've read a few of them that were inspiring for this post. But I have my own voice.

50 Shades of Grey...

Now that I got that out there, let me begin.

I personally don't know much about this book or movie at all. Never read it and never cared to look at it at a bookstore, and I'm an avid reader, love bookstores. I think I've finished more books now that I'm a mom than I ever have pre-baby, it's kind of strange actually. 

So the bottom line for Christian women is... this is porn. There are a lot of women out there who are Christian women, going to see this movie. Why? I mean really, why? I asked my husband if he would ever want to see the movie, and he said he had absolutely no desire to see any of that stuff, and I believe him. Even just going with your friends, why? I just don't understand. Does it make you feel good to watch something like that? Why wouldn't you go home to your husbands and literally feel good about being with your husband?

I know some women that have said, "I need some new tricks", or "It might help our love life to watch it." No. It's not going to help anything. It's actually going to hurt your marriage. If you go with your husbands, you are basically saying it's okay and good to watch porn. It's never good. Don't kid yourselves, and give in to this repulsive behavior. Sex was never meant for all the things it has become. It was never meant for someone to want to feel like it's okay to have control over you or the situation. I'm going to be honest about my opinion on porn, it's demonic. I feel like it creates a dark cloud over your home when you give in to it. When I see all the stuff about this movie and book and I'm forced to picture it in my mind, I always picture Satan surrounded by gross, perverse women in hell. That's just how I feel about it. In college or high school when I wasn't so spiritually mature, I probably would've said yea it's cool, let's go check it out. That's not me today. I would never want my children to feel like they have to submit to someone like that just to be in a relationship, or even think anything like that is okay. No way. It will never be in my home.

When you hear people say, "I have demons", what comes to your mind? A dark secret? Or just something they want to change? This is real to me. Satan appears to us in many different ways (or shades), whether we want to believe it or not. I feel he appears to us on the tv screen more than any other place. In images, symbols, sexual implications. Satan has his hand in all things media related. Hence why I try to stay off social media as much as possible. Not just for me though, for my family. I want my son to know there is more to life than technology. It will get you in trouble somehow, someday. Our world today is so perverse we can't even see it anymore. We are really far gone. In the book of Revelation, we don't have a huge impact in the end. What does that say? Will our country even be standing? Will there even be an America left?

I just want you to take the time to soak in everything I've talked about, and really understand that anyone who tells you this is okay to watch and read, it's really not. Please don't give in to this.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. -Ephesians 5:25-30 NIV

The Rambling Mommy

I was in the grocery store yesterday and I was just browsing through the kids toy section, just trying to keep up with what's cool. I saw a military man holding flowers in one hand and holding on to his sons hand in the other, and they were picking out some toys. I overheard him say, "I've got a good idea, why don't we watch Star Wars this weekend? I'd really love for you to see it with me." Just by his tone and his patience with his son, I knew that he was on leave and would have to go back to wherever he was stationed soon. It kind of brought tears to my eyes. He really wanted to make his time memorable with his son in a classic way. I even remember saying to myself, "That is a cute idea." 

Matthew is not in the military and man I don't know what I'd do if he was... Military wives are the strongest women. Ever. I cried my eyes out when Matt got sent to Arlington for 3 days for his job. I'm pathetic, I know. Sometimes it takes a real look into someone else's life for us to know how truly blessed we are. And it makes me so mad at myself to know that sometimes I take a lot of stuff for granted. At the end of every day I try my hardest to understand that even though we are considered middle class in our society, we are not considered middle class in this world. There are people out there who would think our houses are mansions.

When I'm doing my Bible reading at night, I get this internal feeling of satisfaction. It's funny because our Bible Study group of ladies just started The Purpose Driven Life series, and I really connect with the author. I'm a deep thinker... if you didn't already know. And I just know that people all around the world know that they have purpose. Whether you're agnostic or atheist, it doesn't matter, you know that there is someone who created you. We did not come from animals, that's the stupidest thing in the world anyone could've come up with. We are so far advanced from that, there is just no way. I mean really. I feel like some people just don't want to believe it because they don't want to live by Godly standards and follow rules. I know there is talk about aliens and whatever, but it's all foolishness. I believe that our planet was created out of all of the rest of the universe for a reason, and that's so God can love the ones He created in His image. No one wants to be alone. All of the different species of animals including us have unique form and very different purposes in this world. We are the only planet of knowledgable, intelligent, focused human beings, in charge of taking care of everything God created for us on this earth. So who created us? It seems like a pretty easy question to answer. I'm going to give you a huge hint though, if you're a nonbeliever this might just shake you ;)

You ready? 


This is kinda big.



Did you know that scientists found that the tiniest molecule is made up of sound waves?

So when God said let their be light and their was light, not only did it appear but His voice created everything. Just let that sink in for a minute.

So I basically just gave you the answer :)

I know I jumped topics in this one but I hope you got something great out of it.

Thanks for keeping up with my rambling! Until next time!

The Concept of Marriage

Since I was already on the subject of marriage with my previous post, I'd like to go a step further...

I'm just going to be really blunt and honest about my opinion and jump right into this, so brace yourselves. By the way, nobody is making you read this.

Marriage is not something to toy with or take for granted. It is sacred and Holy. I absolutely cannot explain my fury when I read or hear about someone being married for 6 months to a year and then getting a divorce. ESPECIALLY if you knew that person for longer then a year before you got married. Now don't get me wrong, life happens and maybe just MAYBE they weren't who you thought they were after all that time, and of course if your spouse cheats. However, if you already knew who that person was and their ways of life, shame on you.

I'm going to tell you a little something about mine and Matt's marriage. Matthew has always had problems showing his emotions, he always wears a poker face. Now I already knew about this for 2 years before we got married and we agreed it was something to work on, but did I ever expect to change Matthew? No. It's who he is, he grew up like that. Did I expect him to warm up? Yes, and he has, especially now that we have Levi. It is something I agreed to live with when I said my vows. I agreed to live with every part of Matthew through thick and thin for the rest of my life. Now if Matthew was running around on me and going to bars and drinking every weekend without me when we were dating and throwing his money away, and I STILL married him, shame on me. I mean seriously. Ladies, you know better. You know how to read between the lines. It really all comes down to how much respect you have for yourself.

Another thing is, NEVER let your man tell you it's okay to bring a third party into your relationship or marriage. It's not okay. And it never will be. When you said your vows, you were only talking to one person. You can try to convince yourself that it's still a marriage after that, but the truth is it's not. He is no longer married to you. He is married to the idea of you and still getting to do whatever he wants.

There are very few couples who go through all of this and decide they need help, and want to change for the better and end up coming out on top together. My bottom line is, if you know you or your significant other is not ready for marriage, don't get married. It's that simple. Don't let yourselves tarnish the meaning of marriage. 

Keep it a Holy matrimony.

Keeping the Fire

So instead of a Mommy Monday tonight, since Valentine's Day is coming up this weekend, I wanted to talk a little bit about marriage.

Matthew & I have been surrounded by everything baby lately, which don't get us wrong we love, but now that Levi is 1, usually couples have to start getting out of the baby funk. Moms, you know what I mean. When your husband comes home from work and you never have make up on, still in your pjs, and all he wants to do is get in the shower and watch tv and go to bed anyway. That's when you know you're in a funk. So this past week I got a great haircut, new mascara (hallelujah, my addiction), new lipstick, and some new clothes. I have to admit I was still wearing some of my maternity jeans before... don't judge. They are just so comfortable.

Matthew & I took a little trip to eat at a local restaurant this past weekend and of course our after party was grocery shopping. However, it felt so good to just get dressed up and go eat. I really felt beautiful and accomplished to know that Matthew was feeling proud to have his wife back in flow of things, not that he doesn't always feel that way, but you know what I mean. I think every woman wants to feel like their husband wants to show them off, and I definitely felt like that. Matthew had told my sister that he misses our alone time, because let's face it, you don't get a lot of time to yourselves with a baby. Just hearing that he wants to spend quality time alone with me made me fall in love with him all over again. I'm seriously crushing on my husband lately, I know that's cheesy, but it's true. And it's perfect timing because of Valentine's Day.

Before, I was feeling very annoyed at times and easily irritated when Matthew would come home from work, because all I really cared about was finally getting a break to relax. I took him for granted. I even found myself praying to God that my fire and attraction would light up brighter than before for Matthew. Well... that prayer was answered. It's really easy to fall into a funk, and sometimes that's what ends a lot of marriages. When you have kids and the fire starts to die down, you have to find a way to spark it back up. For me, I just wanted to recap some of the things that made me fall in love with Matthew in the first place. He is just so handsome and kind hearted. Every time he goes to the store he gets something he thinks I'll like to surprise me. That really let's me know he is always thinking about me, and that plays a huge part in a marriage. I love that since we started dating we have always taken turns rubbing each others back, and to this day we still do that at least once a week. When you know you've found the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your days with, you will definitely long to find ways to keep the fire burning. Matthew & I love each other a lot, we just fit together like puzzle pieces and I love that about us. I'm going to continue to work on not taking our time together for granted just because I might be a little on edge, because... well I'm a woman. I love you Matthew :)

Have a great week everyone!

To Alexis

You were not what I was expecting when I walked into the salon yesterday evening. You were young and glowingly pregnant with a smile, and surprisingly easy to talk to. When you started asking about my son and were wanting advice about being a stay at home mom, and how nervous you were about child care, I knew we had some things in common. I told you about a church based daycare and you said your boyfriend didn't want anything super religious. Yet you proceeded to ask me the name of the program the church provides. Knowing that you were still interested in the daycare got my attention. I should've asked you then, but I felt like it might be offensive to some people. That's the moment I realized, God really does make plans. I wanted to ask you if you considered yourself religious, but I was afraid. I am always afraid to ask that question. There were so many things that you were asking about motherhood and breastfeeding, and I was shocked you didn't know some of the things I told you. I could see that you were so well put together and brave, yet your eyes were so full of curiosity and wonder. It was perfect timing, and of course someone like me would miss it.

A lot of believers wake up in the morning and pray that God lets them help someone that day. And most of the time we dismiss the fact that we are the ones who actually need the lesson. So even though I have a hard time finding the right way and words to ask about your faith, why should I let myself miss the opportunity to witness to you? It might take some time, but maybe that's the point. Make an impression and try again. When I said to God that I know I missed my chance today, I heard Him say, "Why are you giving up?" 

Suffice it to say, your story didn't go unnoticed with me.
Women like you, Alexis, are the reason I blog.

"And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased." -Hebrews 13:16

Cupcakes and a Sad Mommy...

Finally Mommy Monday is back!

These past few weeks have been so crazy for us! My computer finally crashed and I wasn't surprised because it's had a lot of issues, and I've had it since I was in high school. Good news is I got to upgrade to a Macbook Pro, I'm excited to get to play around with it and figure it out. I haven't had much time to take a break and write either, and to be honest I really didn't want to. Levi turned 1 on the 19th and that's been pretty hard on me. My brain is still trying to register that my tiny baby is not so tiny anymore, and I have been wanting to spend as much time with him as I can. We did a little cupcake smashing on his real birthday with some of his cousins. 

This is definitely a priceless first birthday family picture haha!

He was actually not impressed with the cupcakes, I'm kinda grateful for that. I didn't really want him to be a big sweet eater. He loves his vegetables, which I'm thankful for. We also had to start transitioning from baby food to finger foods which was hard for both of us. We had his birthday party the following Sunday, which was a success. We decided to go with the theme of Coca Cola Polar Bears.

I don't know why some women get the "baby blues" when their child is first born, I feel like I'm getting it now that his infant stage is done... It's been so hard for me to realize that his first year is over. I can honestly say I've loved every second of having a baby, I feel so privileged to be able to say I'm a Mommy. I can't imagine my life without Levi. Definitely feel like I was born to be his Mommy.

On a lighter note, Matthew & I managed to make it out of our first year as parents alive! It was a crazy, and sometimes exhausting ride but we did it together. I know this next year will have so many more lovely toddler things in store for us, ha.

Levi is really starting to develop his personality, let me tell you... he loves to just sit in the floor and preach to us. Sometimes he'll stand but he loves talking with his hands, and since he's still wobbly standing on his own, most of the time he'll be up on his knees and he'll talk for days. It's not like regular baby talk though, it really sounds like he's preaching and has something he really needs you to hear. He also makes the cutest facial expressions, and he continues to amaze me with how smart he's getting. He's been turning off light switches since he was around 4 or 5 months, and I think that really got his brain development going. He also loves to pretend he's reading, if you give him a magazine or a book he will really try to make you think he knows what it says. Although he hasn't started walking completely just yet I think he'll be a very smart boy. He's finally been saying mama! Hallelujah! The majority of the time it's still all about dada but I'm just glad he's finally saying it. There are so many firsts that happen in a child's first year and it has been a wonderful ride watching Levi grow. 

I know a lot of experienced parents want to put in their two cents with advice about the toddler years and that's wonderful, advice is always great, but I feel like it's really all about their attitude and personality. When some people approach you with input it almost seems like they are wishing the worst on you, you know what I mean? Like do they secretly despise me or something? It's almost as if they want to tell you, "I'm going to make you wish you never had children." Thank you! That's so sweet of you! Seriously, if someone pregnant asked me what it's like in a baby's first year, I would tell them the truth. Yes it's hard, but honestly it goes by so fast and it's over in the blink of an eye. When their first birthday comes around, you're going to wish you could go back to those nights with no sleep, rocking your tiny baby in your arms, and nursing him to sleep. I'm not going to say, "Oh you better rest up now, you won't sleep for 18 years!" Not true. Levi sleeps 11 to 12 hours at night, trust me, sleep will come. In the meantime, enjoy your baby. Soak up every second you can. And the next person who tries to give you crazy advice or tries to scare you, ask them, "Then why did you keep having kids if it's that bad?" I got a lot of grief in Levi's first year about not taking him out more and being social. I'm not going to apologize for that. I loved being home with my baby 24/7. Every parent gets to choose the way they want to spend their time and raise their child. They got their turn and now it's mine.

There's so much that I haven't gotten to blog about these past few weeks with no computer, so in the next few days I'm going to try my hardest to catch up!

Have a great week everyone!
xoxo