High School & Second Chances

So I've gone through countless numbers of tissues and musinex pills and soft foods, even some theraflu... and I'm out of energy. Sinus infections are absolutely going to be the death of me, but I'm going to power through this.

So this is the post I've been kind of putting off do to dread... But I know there have been a few people who've asked the question about how I survived the high school humiliation. The truth is, I didn't. I don't think any of us really get over those experiences we just can't forget, it will always be there in the back of our minds. If you're reading this and you don't know what I mean, I'll fill you in. I'm going to get really raw and vulnerable with you tonight, so bear with me. My high school wasn't like one of those huge ones where you'll never know all the kids in your class, it was tiny. Really small. You knew everybody in each grade. So with that in mind, I made some very dark, poor decisions back then. And of course it's never long until the whole school knows about your personal life in a day. Basically every humiliating situation you could imagine being in at school, I was that girl. Numerous times. So there's that...

Although now it feels like a bad dream, I really don't know who that person was. If there was a real life humanity switch, I think mine was turned off. The second my mom decided to leave our family and move away when I was 11, that's when it all changed for me. I became a completely different person. I was ripped away from my big sisters, my home, my (what I thought was) beautiful life. I know it sounds selfish, but to this day I can still feel the pain of a piece of my heart breaking from that 3 hour drive away. 

I had no coping skills I guess and I was completely alone to figure everything out. Needless to say I did it all wrong. I cried myself to sleep a lot at first. And then I was just numb to everything. People would ask me questions and I would lie, though to me it wasn't a lie. This became the only thrill in my life, and I used it like a real drug. At 12, 13 years old I already had demons. It really happens. When I figured out I could sing, it changed my perspective a little. I started going to church to sing and I felt like I had the angel and the devil always on my shoulders. I was torn between two lives. I lived both. There were numerous times I thought about ending my life. Mostly when the lies would be unraveling. Like you have no more drugs and you're out of money. You'll do anything to make the urge stop.

It wasn't until my Nanny passed away that I really let go of the darkness and the drug. Finally that part of me that was so lost and worn down by torment of nothing but lies, was dead. I had nothing left and one my of best friends was gone. My Nanny was my rock. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could've drove to her house and just crawled in her bed and watched movies with her and eat cinnamon toast. In a way, she changed my life. I needed to leave that town and those people and get out and start over, clean and fresh, away from the darkness. I still had problems and some way bigger than others but no more drug. I lived the college experience. New life, new friends, and in a way I was finally finding who I was meant to be. 

And when I met Matthew my life changed. I knew I wanted to be his wife. But when I came back to God my whole world changed, and I knew I was never going back to the person I was in high school. And when I had Levi my heart changed and my eyes were opened to nothing but love. I cannot ever be that person again. Ever. I was always meant to be who I am today. A woman of God, Matthews wife, and Levi's mommy. And that's why God never let me take my life, and always carried me, no matter what stupid things I decided to do. I feel like God gave me a second chance at life, to do things the right way.

People can change, but they have to want it. I was a horrible teenager. But I'm a wonderful adult, wife, and mommy. I encourage you to always know what's going on in your kids lives, talk to them, have family dinners. Children desperately need stability, communication, and to feel love. When they are cut off from that, they become desperate for anything. To feel anything, good or bad.

This is why I felt like I needed to tell you this. For the children struggling with a mental drug or real drugs. In the end, it will tear you down all the same if you don't fix it. My parents had no clue what I became when we moved, they didn't know I had a problem. We never talked about it. So please talk to your children, let them tell you the problems they are facing in their lives. And take them to church. I absolutely could not help myself. God did that. God changed me from the inside out, and I will never go back.

"Truly I tell you," he continued, "no prophet is accepted in his hometown." -Luke 4:24